just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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