i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
