just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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