What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
