Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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