im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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