I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
