Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
