and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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