My room smells like vodka and shame
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
