She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
