I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
