someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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