I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
