Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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