The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
