Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
