I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
