I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
