If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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