oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
