what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
