Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
