his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
