Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My cat gives me a boner
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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