Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
