bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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