Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
