he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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