Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
