I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
