I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
