some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
