dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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