And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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