I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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