I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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