just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
