We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
