I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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