Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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