My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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