i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
