I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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