Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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