Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
