Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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