I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
