mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
