Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
